The Hard Part

I held it together yesterday.  I had to.  Two services, two times to preach, a Sunday School class to teach, a special visitor to welcome, a potluck...I couldn't let my mind go to the saying goodbye part, the see-you-in-three-months part because I knew that I would get tearful and I am a real sloppy, messy, crier.  So I focused on getting through the morning and giving hugs and finishing up all the little tasks I needed to do.

And then this morning I looked at the photos from the blessing yesterday.  My Regional Minister, Bill Rose-Heim, came to bless me as I prepared to leave and bless John Carr as he takes over as pastor during my sabbatical.  I didn't know what Bill would do for the time of blessing, but he had questions he asked of each of us.  For me, the questions were things like, "Will you rest and seek God?" For John, "Will you trust in the gifts God has given you to lead this congregation?"  And even the congregation agreed to pray for both of us.  Then they surrounded us, laying hands on us, and they prayed.  Bill gave the church a walking staff to stand in a visible place for the summer to remind the church that while I am on my sabbatical journey, I am still a part of them.

If I had allowed myself to be more present in that moment, I probably would have cried.  But I held it together.  Until this morning when I looked at the photos and remembered how powerful that blessing was, what a gift it was to me (and I assume to John, too).

And now I need to do one of the most painful steps of entering into sabbatical - hiding my church friends from my Facebook feed.  The only way I can let go of the mantle of pastor is to be unaware of what is happening in their lives - the good and the bad.  But they are also my friends, and I care about them and it feels wrong to be unaware if they are hurt or in trouble.  This is where I must surrender those anxious feelings and trust that God and John and the church herself will care for all the needs that happen while I am gone.  But it's hard.  And it hurts.